I like the acting here. It's not clear to me that Chris was an intruder who was breaking into the school and trying to endanger the students--were you attacking an innocent student?--but I get the idea. You've got some great details here.
Story?
Ethos: You've got a good start here. Take more about your experiences as a guard so that we know that you're up to the task. What specific knowledge have you gained from the work with your dad? what do you know how to do?
Pathos: I mostly get this. Take more time to make us feel dismayed. Lay out the threat...and then talk a bit more about what you will do, specifically, to deal with this threat.
Great voice and attitude here. This is coming out nicely.
Eric:
ReplyDeleteI like the acting here. It's not clear to me that Chris was an intruder who was breaking into the school and trying to endanger the students--were you attacking an innocent student?--but I get the idea. You've got some great details here.
Story?
Ethos: You've got a good start here. Take more about your experiences as a guard so that we know that you're up to the task. What specific knowledge have you gained from the work with your dad? what do you know how to do?
Pathos: I mostly get this. Take more time to make us feel dismayed. Lay out the threat...and then talk a bit more about what you will do, specifically, to deal with this threat.
Great voice and attitude here. This is coming out nicely.